Of Bonding and Doll play

It has been brought to my attention lately a practice now common amongst many parents: re-homing dolls. While I applaud people’s non-conformity with something they are not willing to have sitting on a shelf, especially a handmade doll with a hefty price tag, it preoccupies me a bit when the underlying reason behind is the lack of bonding between said doll and their child.


Bonding between a child and a special doll is such a magical moment to witness. The doll that gets played with, carried around, loved and smudged is one of the most endearing visions of childhood. Whether a boy or a girl is doing the loving is of no importance, since we all have nurturing feelings that need to come out and need to be encouraged through doll play.

I have stated this somewhere, and is now being added to my new care instructions (which I will be emailing to new doll owners in order to save trees and non-renewable resources), that for bonding to take place there needs to be some specific environment aspects. If your child already has a strong attachment to softies, for example, it might take longer for this special relationship to develop. The doll needs to be available to them, sitting closely, always present, and little by little they will develop certain interest in it. This may take months! After all the trouble both you and the dollmaker went to make this doll a reality, why not give them the time for this to develop?

If your child already has three or six natural dolls she or he plays regularly with, and they all are special to them, they all have their names and get a fair amount of consistent play, my case is why add another one? Why not concentrate the energies into taking care of the special members of the doll family, and create things for them? Why not instead facilitate the doll play in all kinds of adventures? Why bring another doll to the equation that might interfere with the ongoing special relationships your child has developed?.

We all have so much power over what we bring into our children’s lives, and bringing excess of any kind brings consequences that we might not want to face, now or later in life. Shariffa Oppenheimer stated this so brilliantly in her book Heaven on Earth, when she says: “toys in excess creates disregard”. And I would add that any kind of excess is not good at all (except when we talk about chocolate of course...or wool...!).

Now, for the case of those children who do not have a doll, or already have dolls made out of plastic to which they are already attached. You can bring a natural doll in, and you can only hope for them to have this relationship but you can never impose it. Children WORK through their dolls, they test ideas of themselves and imitate what is happening around them, replicating their family life. They are amassing knowledge of their changing world, and their toys (not just their dolls) provide them the tools to joyfully do so. This is the underlying reason of it all. And our children make the call, they select the toys that spark their interest and the ones they want to lug around. All we can do is make special, natural, age appropriate and hopefully handmade toys available to them.

Another thing I would love for you to consider is this, the “age appropriateness” of a doll to a child. I get asked this question at least twice a week on etsy. My opinion, which grows daily of course as I walk through life and see more and make more, is the following. If you really want to help your child then you need to bring in toys that are appropriate for their developmental stage in life. This way, not only are you giving them the right “tools” (toys) but also, you are only bringing into your life things with a purpose, and not surrounding your home with stuff that nobody plays with and nobody appreciates, and that usually just creates energetic noise.

My opinion is that for infants, those cute babies under 1, they really don’t need a doll around them, other than to chew on it. So be sure to choose a doll made of materials that you can easily wash or that has intrinsic antibacterial properties (like things made out of wool or hemp most importantly), with a very simple expression and no fuss. A doll like this one or this one comes to mind.

For a 1 to 2 year old child, based on my observation and limited experience, I would recommend a doll with full on clothes, that cannot be removed by the child, but that if they insist they can add on. Kids this age like to tot around a doll and drag it around a lot, it needs to be very squeezable and also very light in weight. No hair is important as it just gets in the way. Dolls that resemble them developmentally are also important so dolls that look facially like babies might become a better hit. Having a few play silks or thin blankets is a must as they love to cover their doll. Examples like this one or this one come to mind.

For a child 2 and up then I recommend a dress up doll. But, a very simple dress up doll. A two year old would love to change a diaper, remove a hat, and put on a pair of pijamas or a little jacket. No buttons or laces or things like that, as they will cause a lot of frustration in your little one. Simple, roomy items that can be easily manipulated by your child are a must. And a note here, a doll with a full head of hair is still not appropriate in my humble opinion, as they tend to weight more.

For children 4 and up you can introduce a doll that has clothes with buttons, with a bit more of a sophisticated look. And by this I mean, the doll has pants, shoes, maybe a hat or a sweater, etc. Children at this stage are all about the add-ons, they know all the necessary items they need to go outside and so they request their dolls to have the same accessories. They want mittens, or shoes, or a toy for the doll. Size here is very important, as you need to consider the weight of the doll and your child’s height and weight. I know really tall three year olds and very petite little five year olds.

Overall, I don’t want to sound like a prude or know-it-all. Every child is different but most grow at the same pace, hitting the same milestones pretty much around the same time. All I’m talking for is the case of having patience. Patience for the dollmaker who is creating your doll, patience for your child to come to love this doll, patience for you to wait as your child grows and can play with their dolls, patience to introduce dolls on special occasions, patience to take care of these special members of your family and patience when you get asked three hundred times a day to help putting shoes on or a tiny vest. I truly believe we all have lost most of our patience and we all like immediate satisfaction, immediate response, immediate feedback, immediate knowledge. And good things come to those who wait!

Would love to hear your opinion!